How Do I Cope With My Loss?
Many people can manage their grief on their own, others prefer meeting with others who are grieving and some do best in a one-to-one counseling situation. Regardless of where and how the bereavement process takes place, certain ways of coping are necessary and useful at different times.Immediately after a death
- Attend to personal physical needs. Consciously make efforts to eat and sleep; being deprived of food and rest can complicate your already vulnerable emotional and physical state.
- Make the necessary arrangements. If possible, decide what you think is best rather than what is most expedient. If you are unable or feel unprepared to make decisions, enlist the help of friends or relatives who can perhaps focus on the details of what needs to be done.
- Set limits for yourself. You are the best judge of who to see, when to answer the phone, when to have visitors.
- Ask for help. Others want to help, but may not know what to do or how to ask. If someone makes an offer to help, be prepared with specific requests, no matter how simple they may seem. You may need someone to pick up the dry cleaning, take care of the lawn, bring the news to co-workers or help you arrange a child’s birthday party.
- Find those who will let you talk. Telling stories about the person who has died helps to keep him remembered and to make the situation real.
In the weeks and months after a death
- Refrain from making any major life changes. Your feelings can change rapidly in the first months after a death. Therefore, it is best to postpone any decisions that could change your situation. You may feel the desire to escape an environment that reminds you of the deceased, but familiarity of a place and people is often helpful in the aftermath of a death. It is an enormous challenge to adjust to changes brought on by the death of a significant person, without adding additional change.
Sometimes practical decisions may need to be made, and may not permit delay. In these situations, it is important to seek professional advice (legal or financial, for example) and rely on trusted friends for help in this type of decision-making.
Over time
- Accept the physical and emotional changes that accompany the loss. This does not mean that the person who has died is forgotten; it means understanding how life has changed and that it will never be the same, and looking ahead to the future.
- Engage in pleasurable activities again and find joy in your life.
At all times
- Express your feelings, either privately or with a trusted person. Do not be afraid of your response. It is important to acknowledge how you feel rather than avoid it. Left unattended, feelings can fester until they unexpectedly erupt.
- Talk to a trusted professional if you are considering medication. There are times when medication can be helpful, especially when physical or emotional health is at risk. However, it is often best to experience your feelings rather than numb them with medication. Being with someone who is in a great deal of pain from a death experience can be painful for the observer or the one trying to help. But it is completely normal for a grieving person to have extreme sorrow and be tearful for long periods of time. This reaction usually becomes less intense and less frequent over time. Medicating these feelings may only delay the grieving process and can make you regret that you were unable to fully experience events, especially funeral or religious services, as they occurred.
- Use outlets for expression that work for you. Some people find talking to be therapeutic. Others benefit from writing in a journal or doing art to express their personal feelings or to memorialize the person who has died.
- Engage and consider religious resources. Just as people have their personal reaction to loss, they also have their own private experiences based on their faith and religious customs. For some, a death provokes difficult feelings, causing them to confront and question their faith, while others find great solace in their religious teachings. You may want to talk with someone from the clergy about the death to explore the meaning of your particular experience.
- Take caution when using alcohol, drugs and medications. Your sense that these are needed may indicate that an evaluation by a professional would be helpful.
- Take care of yourself. Don’t forget the need to have regular physical check-ups and be sure to take proper care of any chronic medical conditions. Neglecting your basic health needs can interfere with the ability to handle emotional reactions.
By Robin F. Goodman, PhD, ATR-BC
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