Coping With Grief Following Suicide
Death due to suicide brings the same issues and tasks of any death, yet it has added complications and burdens for the bereaved. In addition, while many issues and feelings are common to all who are confronting a death by suicide, the nature of the suicide, your relationship to the person and the age of the person who has died presents other difficulties. For example, a parent whose child has died may be challenged by feelings of pain accompanied by guilt and shame, while a child whose parent has died may be left with anger at being abandoned as well as confusion and fear for the future of their own mental health. Given the distinct differences in the types of suicide, it is only possible here to convey some of the most general information about the issue. In general, family and friends of someone who has committed suicide must deal with three different, yet related, issues:
- the loss of life
- the usually sudden nature of the death
- the added task, perhaps felt as an additional burden, of dealing with feelings related to the suicide
Due to the terrible nature of death by suicide and many people’s lack of understanding about mental illness or emotional problems, people dealing with this loss are faced with a particular set of feelings and issues.
- feelings of shame about the cause of death
- feeling responsible for the death and guilty for not preventing it
- feeling anger at the person who committed the suicide for not getting help, communicating their pain or for what they have done to those left behind
- feeling alone and isolated from others who have experienced death by other causes
- fearing that you are at risk for depression or suicide yourself
In situations where the death was caused by suicide it is vitally important to attend to all members of the family and their specific issues. Although family members have experienced the same event, they typically react in different ways. In particular, it is helpful to explore all members’ understanding and misunderstanding of the cause of the death as well as their complicated feelings about the individual who has died. Treatment usually also involves coming to terms with any anger and guilt about what could have been done to prevent the death. The language and words used to talk about the death are also explored as the bereaved learn to cope with both their own feelings and those related to your perception of how others view the suicide.
Both family and friends can benefit from information about depression, suicide and how to discuss the cause of death with outsiders. Because of the unique issues related to this type of death, connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss and talking about the circumstances of the death can help you deal with the reality of the event and your complex feelings. Professional help often is useful for monitoring family members’ coping and risk for complicated reactions.
By Robin F. Goodman, PhD, ATR-BC
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