An Empathic Approach to a Suicidal Teen
“You don’t how I feel!”
Desperation results when you mix despair with agitation. You can better understand despair if you think of it as des-pair, which means being unpaired. When everyone else seems to be paired with a girl friend, a loving family, good looks, popularity, wealth, a nice car, respect and a great life in general, someone who feels unpaired with any of these things can start to believe he is worthless and his life is useless. And feeling alone in despair can lead him to think, “Why bother going on?” Then add criticism, rejection or another disappointment and you’re likely to trigger desperate action in someone who already feels life is bleak. This may be aimed at the world as violence or at his body as self-mutilation and cutting. Or it may cut off feelings of hope and he can become suicidal.
One of the best ways to deal with a depressed and self-destructive teen-ager is to emotionally pair with his despairing feelings. This helps to repair despair. But how do you connect with someone who is convinced that he is alone and nobody cares about him?
Help him talk
Rather than remaining locked in a power struggle with a teen-ager who only will say “Yes, but...” no matter what you say, calmly ask: “What happened to you?” It’s much easier for a person to talk about what happened and recount the details than to talk about what he is feeling or why he is feeling that way.
As he begins to talk about what happened that’s upsetting him, he will start to feel upset again. He may even cry with relief that someone is listening to him without rushing to reassure or offer advice when he wants comfort. If you follow this interchange, with “How bad does it get for you?” this lets him know you are continuing to give him your undivided attention. This provides additional relief.
These simple questions let a teen-ager know that his upset feelings are legitimate and matter to you. By continuing to ask questions that help him experience and express his feelings, you will help him feel more understood and acknowledged. This process will help reduce his feeling of being unpaired and agitated in a world that doesn’t understand or know him, and doesn’t seem to want to.
Use the magic paradox
After he begins to calm down, use the magic paradox. Do something that seems to be the exact opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish. Say to him: “Nobody, including me, knows how awful it is to have tried everything else and feel there is no other way out of this pain than to kill yourself. Isn’t that true?” A statement like this probably will trigger a response from him such as, “Yeah! That’s right! Nobody knows or cares!”
As soon as he thinks or says that, you’re connecting with him and he has discovered a way to vent his feelings rather than letting them build up and become self-destructive. Paradoxically, by saying “Nobody knows,” you’re demonstrating that you know. At that point, build on the connection and expand it. Say things such as: “And nobody knows what it’s like to have your life become a non-stop series of disappointments and let downs so that you’re left thinking, ‘What’s the use? Everybody would be better off if I were dead.’ Isn’t that also true?” As each of your statements helps him feel less alone, he’ll start to calm down. In a short time his agitation should lessen—and with it his suicidal feelings.
But don’t stop there. Your empathic understanding made a crack into his hopelessness and gave him a taste of hope. However tastes are not long lasting. Instead of keeping the pressure on yourself to keep providing him with hope, take him to a professional who can continue to empathize and connect with him so that you can go back to being a supportive family member or friend. With time this connection can grow into a reason to live that lasts.
by Mark Goulston, MD
© 2000 Lifescape
Mark Goulston, MD, has a wealth of knowledge in personal growth, family relationships and communication skills. He is a respected and popular source for major news outlets for discussion of issues ranging from parenting to workplace violence. He is author of, “Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior,” and is writing a book about restoring love, sex and fun to intimate relationships. He specializes in adolescent, individual, couples and family therapy.
Dr. Goulston currently serves as an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute and is a fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. He completed his undergraduate work at the University of California, Berkeley, and received his medical degree from Boston University. |
